Train, Tray-eeeeeen.....
Posted on 2008-Apr-3 at 07:23
Did you ever have one of those times in your life where you felt like a complete train wreck? You know, like one minute your were choof-choofing along happy as you like and the next minute someone left their truck full of heavy-set cement and bricks on what would have usually been an empty country crossing?
Maybe not even that. Maybe you started out slow after some other minor mishap and – perchance after some inspiration gained from a few pints with Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends – you started to realise that it wouldn’t be so bad to crank it up a gear. What have you got to lose? So you throw a few more coals on the fire, tilt your train-drivers cap down in a jaunty manner (ostensibly also to not to singe your eyebrows) and give the engine a good old hefty stoke. You forget about the slow *choof-choof* and, adding a few more coals and perhaps a good hefty puff from one of those air-blower things (“bellows”, I now believe they are called), you feel the need for speed! Oh yeah BABY! – next thing you know you are steaming across *insert outstanding world scenery of choice* with the wind in your hair, your shoulders back and a big fat smiley grin on your face. Woo-HOO- this is living!
Then that stupid fuck-head truck driver (the very same one! - he really should be fired) breaks down over the crossing again. Bloody hell! Only this time you don’t just clip him causing minor whiplash, a cracked tail light and a small dimple in trajectory. This time you plough on through and create country chaos. Your train breaks are forced rigid by a squealing rubber collision with the stricken truck tyres. Things catch fire and explode. People (in your head) scream and cry out and flocks of sheep which were seconds before peacefully munching lush grass in the twilight suddenly turn and scarper away en masse to the steep hinterland.
It’s not pretty. It’s not painless.
And because you are already in the middle of nowhere, it takes a long time for the Emergency Services to arrive.
“But... but... will I still be able to play the piano??” you finally stammer, coming to amidst the ache and chaos.
“If only you could play it before!” the handsome attendant SES man (who I chose to be played by Ewan McGregor) smiles.
Shit.
I am going to live with my mother!
Maybe not even that. Maybe you started out slow after some other minor mishap and – perchance after some inspiration gained from a few pints with Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends – you started to realise that it wouldn’t be so bad to crank it up a gear. What have you got to lose? So you throw a few more coals on the fire, tilt your train-drivers cap down in a jaunty manner (ostensibly also to not to singe your eyebrows) and give the engine a good old hefty stoke. You forget about the slow *choof-choof* and, adding a few more coals and perhaps a good hefty puff from one of those air-blower things (“bellows”, I now believe they are called), you feel the need for speed! Oh yeah BABY! – next thing you know you are steaming across *insert outstanding world scenery of choice* with the wind in your hair, your shoulders back and a big fat smiley grin on your face. Woo-HOO- this is living!
Then that stupid fuck-head truck driver (the very same one! - he really should be fired) breaks down over the crossing again. Bloody hell! Only this time you don’t just clip him causing minor whiplash, a cracked tail light and a small dimple in trajectory. This time you plough on through and create country chaos. Your train breaks are forced rigid by a squealing rubber collision with the stricken truck tyres. Things catch fire and explode. People (in your head) scream and cry out and flocks of sheep which were seconds before peacefully munching lush grass in the twilight suddenly turn and scarper away en masse to the steep hinterland.
It’s not pretty. It’s not painless.
And because you are already in the middle of nowhere, it takes a long time for the Emergency Services to arrive.
“But... but... will I still be able to play the piano??” you finally stammer, coming to amidst the ache and chaos.
“If only you could play it before!” the handsome attendant SES man (who I chose to be played by Ewan McGregor) smiles.
Shit.
I am going to live with my mother!
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